Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tears

The tears came tonight
For several weeks I have lived in a state of numbness. I've not been able to identify my feelings or rather face my feelings. I haven't wanted to fall into a state of weakness and yet I've been so very weak in life lately anyways.
Skype rang. I could see my husband's face. He was calling to say “goodbye”. Just once more before he left American soil. The final closure to one life before we began another. A much more separate life, yet connected by love and support. I could see the struggle he was having. I could feel his agony. His last few days here were a bit of a disconnect. There was so much we each wanted to say but couldn't find the words or the energy. Those things began coming out: “I love you”, “We're going to make it”, “This is the right thing for us”....
I could see him, I could sense his emotion, but I couldn't touch him. Separated by a piece of cold, hard glass.
Just before saying “goodbye” he said he had sent me an email. I got ready for bed, climbed under the covers – alone, and reached for my phone to check my mail. The note was already there. I opened it and began reading. The tears began slipping down my cheeks. Softly I began sobbing. I let go of the phone, cradled my face in my hands, letting all guards down. I allowed myself to cry. To feel the emotion that had been looking for a way out. The tears began to wash my spirit clean. Sorrow was mixed with hope and excitement for the journey my husband is beginning. A strength began to fill my soul. We have now stepped out into the unknown. A crisp new page is before us. I don't know what the journey will bring and although separated by half the globe we will embrace this new future together.

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