Sunday, June 19, 2011

Lost It

There are times in life when we feel we can't cope with any more pressure. Life seems to be sweeping us away and there is nothing we can do to stop the tide that is pulling us out. The last few months have been like this.
For 18 months I have been giving my all to the kids so they can continue in their activities and to my husband, trying to be available to see him when the opportunity arrises. The result in doing the necessities of life has meant sacrifice of the things that define me. This spring has brought sports, music recitals and concerts, drivers ed, Spanish class, visits with my husband, keeping the house continually clean to show, pack and ultimately move out. Honestly it has done me in. The pressure has brought me to a point of complete insanity. I'll be driving along the road only to realize the light in front of me is red then slamming on the brakes. I've drifted off the road having to yank the steering wheel to get back on. I long to curl up in the closet and hide. I know I've distanced myself from people because I can't seem to carry a conversation and remain engaged.
The other day the realtor called to tell me we had a house showing the next day. I had just finished Spanish class and knew the schedule for the next 12 hours was grueling. I began to cry. I couldn't help myself. Then I pulled myself together and texted my husband. I meant to say "we have a house showing scheduled for tomorrow". Only the text he received said "house shoeing". This struck me as particularly funny so I quickly texted "opps, meant horse" making the text read "horse shoeing tomorrow". I began laughing hysterically which within a matter of moments changed to laughing because I was hysterical and then crying out of that hysteria. I cried for a good long while letting the tears wash my aching soul.
Last week we were in DC at FSI finishing some email and things. I thought being done with the pack-out and out of the house had healed my soul but when my husband made a quick decision about the school the kids should go to I found myself crying in the middle of a computer lab. I realized that school decisions were another thing that had become too burdensome to carry. It's going to take a good long while to let go of all these things that I have been carrying alone and rest in the joy of sharing these responsibilities with my husband.

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