Monday, January 11, 2016

Running Away

I'm not typically one to run away from life, but returning to Taipei after my med. evac. left me exhausted both physically and emotionally.  We had thrown around the idea of going to Thailand for the holidays, but hadn't made any plans.  When we arrived in Taiwan, we hit the ground running.  It quickly became evident that there wasn't going to be any rest if we didn't escape.  
The escape was good.  I was finally able to get some solid rest after five weeks of feeling like I had been dragged under a bus.  I just don't handle jet lag well.  Being away from home and on vacation gave me the freedom to sleep when I needed to.  I made up for all the hours lost, and more.
I also needed to get away to process.  I can't say that I've sat and had hours of deep thinking about MS and what life is going to be like, rather I've had time to pray and just let this change sink deep into my soul.  I'm sure there are many levels of processing I need to go through and being away gave me time to begin that process.  
Now we are back home in Taipei.  I gave myself a week to catch up with the home and hang with the kids before returning to work.  Last week Damon and I went to the hospital and picked up my medication.  It's a shot that I have to give myself each day - for the rest of my life -  with the hope that it will slow down the disease.  We came home, sat on the couch and watched a few YouTube videos on how to give yourself a shot.  It was unbearable, it really was.  The idea of sticking a needle through my skin every single day almost sent me into hysteria.  My thoughts began to drift away from the shot itself as I watched the people in the videos.  They are people with MS.  People who are really struggling with the disease.  People whose lives have become consumed by one thing.  It made me so sad.  Damon sensed my pain and put his arm around me.  We just sat on the couch, in silence.  The next morning was time for my first shot.  Chad compassionately stuck me with the needle.  I've only had to do this about five days so far, but I'm glad I don't have to do it alone.  I've done a few myself and haven't passed out.  If I can't reach a spot, Chad does it or if I just can't bear to do it myself, he does it.  I'm really having a hard time thinking about doing this every single day.
I'm in this phase of micro examining right now.  I'm reading a book on MS.  I want to know what to look for, how it works and what to do.  So every little thing that I feel inside, I begin to question, "Is this the MS?"  I know I need to go through this phase as well.   I need to understand the symptoms and how to handle them.  Then, I need to move on and live my life.  I don't want to be swallowed by one thing.  
Today was back to work.  It felt really good.  I'm looking forward to a schedule once again.  I'm excited about projects to work on and goals to meet.  I'm happy to be around people and away from home during the day.  Running away was good.  It was needed.  But now it is good to be home and to be present.

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